I remember the winter. It was cold. I kept to my bed for the most part. Don't wanna go out. Movies rolled through the medium of ncmt's computer. Pages of books I know I love flipped past. I'm sure there were words on them. ncmt reached out to me, and I pushed him away. Loved ones left with improper good-byes until I saw them again, still unwilling to discard the safety of the bed.

I remember getting up, getting dressed, and getting into a car. It drove for a long time, and when I got out I was surrounded by warm and beautiful people. This time is clearer, the images more vivid. I have wonderful memories of beer and Eminem and flat tires and spare bedrooms and adorable children and breakfast and fuzzy memories of half-drunk cheap wine and subways and smoking. I remember promises made.

Then I got back into the car and it drove for a long time again.

Then I got back into bed. And loved ones left. And loved ones returned. I couldn't focus on them and their love or their needs. ncmt reached out to me again, and again I pushed him away.

Safe in the cocoon of the bed.

I remember spring starting. Now I would get up, get dressed, go to work. I could feel sunlight again and hear rain. I would come home, crawl back into bed and sleep.

Somewhere along the way I began to wake up. It hurt in my bones, along my nerves and with jarring vibrations along the metal of my spine. ncmt would reach out to me, and I would hurt him. Crying for no reason, screaming for imagined ones.

I still got up and I still went to work.

The routine stabilized me. Waking wasn't so hard. Now it's summer and I can't avoid the heat. There's no cold anywhere.

Work is long and stressful. My jaw muscles haven't unclenched. I stopped sleeping, awake all the time. Dreaming with my eyes wide open. Making mistakes based on the imperfect information of my mind.

A week ago my doctor put me on sedatives.

I sleep again. I wake up too. I notice the half-finished emails to the bright and shiny people from the winter and the half-finished letters to a friend who is still there for me even though we have never met. I notice the bright colours and that when ncmt reaches out to me this time, I can reach back.

A couple of weeks ago we stopped in at the corner flower store by our house. And this little cute and red cactus looked at me and winked, so to speak. I took it home and named it Titis for elephantitis of the penis (pictures to follow). Since then I have acquired enough succulents that I have been banned from more until proper shelf space can be set up. The windowsill is too crowded. I have scoured chapters and amazon for sufficient literature and have placed a self-ban on further book buying until I finish reading The Cactus Family.

My need to identify and catalogue all of my possessions has led me to frustrating internet searches. I am moderately satisfied that I have two euphorbia (obesa and milii), crassula ovata (jade), gymnocalycium 'Hibotan' (red moon) graft on unknown stock, and sedum morganianum (donkey's tail.) At work I have a common graft (at least I have seen it in many garden centres here) but I have no idea what kind either part is. I realize my collection is totally n00b, but they please me no matter.

I return to work with two pictures. One of me (because I am vain) and one of the unknown cactus graft, in case anyone can help.

P.S.
dev trash - watch the skies!