Work has been killing me. Literally. Vomiting, dizziness, passing out on the subway, heart [just panic, really. I think] attacks, suicidal thoughts, self-destructive behaviour, etc. I stop listing because it is depressing the hell outta me, and I don't feel like that anymore.

There was a turning point for me yesterday. Coulda gone badly. I think it was only my near-complete apathy that allowed me to listen to what she was saying rather than fighting each word. The criticism rolled off me; I was in a state where everything she said was right.

Damn, she sure likes being right.

Everything fell together after that. Finished work I'd been meaning to, felt like I was actually doing something rather than make-work. I finished updating a site, something I was supposed to do last week. I finished my design for a meeting I'd been putting off, but couldn't avoid anymore.

I took a nap three hours before my meeting. Decided no alarm, I'd just doze for an hour, then take a shower, everything is golden. I left The Brothers Grimm playing on the projector screen [blanket nailed to the wall.]

Woke up to the cat μ-ing plaintively next to my face.

Ran out the door with 40 minutes to get to my meeting. Only a quick glance at Google Maps to guide me.

Got the job. She's got a referral for me. I can't say who just now, you understand. Because she couldn't tell me just now, you understand. Confidential at this stage, you understand. But she'll probably be getting in touch with me just after the new year. [I smell money.]

What is this funny feeling I have in my chest? It's not quite like a panic attack, fuzzier, doesn't hurt, quite. Hurts a little, but more in a way that makes me laugh, like when ncmt is [CENSORED]

So it's now Saturday. Last night was my first sound sleep in three weeks. I have already downed enough gin and tonic to cause problems for tomorrow, unless my severe alcoholism for the past four days has proven useful in preparing my liver for the worst.

My playlist just hit Red Hot Chili Peppers.I keep anticipating the line "memories of everything, of lemon trees on Mercury" with that funny feeling in my chest. I have identified it as happiness.

I'm done with that depression shit [for another month, anyway. Isn't Christmas coming up?]

Anyway, a peek at what I have been listening to on shuffle, because I love this list so much.

Bob, NOFX
Guerrilla Radio, Rage Against the Machine
yel, Short Dick Cuizi
My Oh My, Aqua
Lovesong, Snake River Conspiracy
Paradise City, Guns 'n Roses
Mary Mary, Chumbawumba
Walk Like an Egyptian, The Bangles
Black Steel, Tricky
B. O. B., Outkast
On Mercury, Red Hot Chili Peppers
Body Movin', Beastie Boys

and if anyone wants to accuse me of being a ninties whore, I will not argue. Instead I will send you here to buy me something pretty. Oh my, I want.